


[Chat!Podfic] Kili/Tauriel Modern Royalty AU

by Readbyanalise010, themusecalliope



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Audio Format: M4B, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Download Available, F/M, Freeform, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, audio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 15:37:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3615237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Readbyanalise010/pseuds/Readbyanalise010, https://archiveofourown.org/users/themusecalliope/pseuds/themusecalliope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, Analise010 texted TheMuseCalliope about an event that happened in her real life and then they spent 5 days turning that moment into a Kili/Tauriel, modern royalty AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	[Chat!Podfic] Kili/Tauriel Modern Royalty AU

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fire_juggler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fire_juggler/gifts).



> This is a chat podfic, that was written through a series of text messages. It is NOT a full-fledged fic. While we have included the text, we **strongly encourage** you to listen to the podfic instead, as that's the medium we intened for this fanwork.

Cover Artist: [Kalakirya](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kalakirya)

**Length:** 00:16:33

Mobile streaming: **[***Click here***](http://analise010.parakaproductions.com/Podfic/Modern%20Royalty%20AU.mp3)**

**Streaming:**

**Download (right-click and save)** the [MP3](http://analise010.parakaproductions.com/Podfic/Modern%20Royalty%20AU.mp3) || Size: 30 MB or the [M4B](http://analise010.parakaproductions.com/Podfic/Modern%20Royalty%20AU.m4b) || Size: 8 MB

*************

_Tauriel sat in the train compartment and watched as the trees outside finally gave way to a rocky hillside. She’d finally done it. After all the years of vague planning and wondering what it would be like to strike out on her own, here she was. Not that she’d ever thought she would be taking the night train to Erebor in the process, but then no one else would think to look for her there either. A fresh start was what she needed. She’d miss Legolas, of course. But they were both grown now, and Tauriel refused to step foot in a house owned by her Uncle Thranduil ever again. As the train rattled on its way, she wondered bitterly how long it would take him to notice she was gone._

\---------------------------------

I'm thinking we keep the geography of Middle Earth, but put it in a modern setting?

So Thranduil and the Elves live in... Mirkwood? And they used to have beef with Erebor, but now it's mostly shady jokes and jabs at elven hair.

Tauriel is an orphan, whose parents died at a young age. She was taken in by her Uncle Thranduil. She grew up with her cousin Legolas, but she was older(?), so she basically raised the both of them on her own. Thranduil was more concerned with his startup company that ended up taking off, he was always away on business meetings or client parties and didn't get to spend as much time with the kids as he should have. Tauriel eventually leaves Mirkwood because of a fight with Thranduil. She’s been working at one of Thranduil’s satellite companies as a data analyst (She has a Computer Science degree (because Thranduil ‘encouraged’ her to do so) and a minor in the Literature of the Shire Movement (because that and archery are what she actually enjoyed about school) and, yeah, the money was good, but she hated every minute of it. Tauriel felt like her interests could be put to better use than making Thranduil and his rich investors even richer. All she wants to do is read and discuss history, literature, etc. Legolas may be content to let her have her dreams, but Thranduil is...not pleased. 

She chooses to leave on her own, taking a night train to Erebor (because who would think to look for her *there* when she’s all about the Hobbit Lit?). Although Thranduil would never kick her out, she feels like it’s time for her to strike out on her own (and Thranduil can just deal with it. especially after what he said in that last argument. *flips hair*). [Hand wavy set up for how she gets an apartment and the job at The Nook. Where you can find obscure gems of the book world, tea to drink while you read them, and Dori’s pastries that are fit for a King (or his Consort)] At first, she’s hired to work the register and restock the shelves, but eventually she moves on to redesign the website and switch them from analogue to digital. 

Kili comes in, the first time, to get out of the rain. (Tauriel is looking at a copy of The Black Arrow in the quiet store) He has a broken arm and needs her to help zip up his hoodie. OH OH OH! CALLIOPE! OKAY. SO. She’s fumbling with the zipper, which is a little close to the ...FAMILY JEWELS :D? and that’s when he says, “You never know what I could be hiding in my trousers.”

He doesn’t have an entourage with him - why would he? he’s in his family's store - so Tauriel doesn’t think anything of it when he walks into the store. Tauriel thinks he looks vaguely familiar, but can’t place him. They chat it up for a while when Kili asks her to find a book for him, which leads to a lot of banter.

He comes back a few more times, once for Bilbo’s birthday gift, once to get some books on the line of succession, and another time for some on Erebor history. 

Tauriel: "Oh! You're looking for Beneath the Party Tree for your uncle? He might also like, Dancing in May and The Pumpkin at Harvest if the hasn't read them already. They have very similar themes. I think those are the best of the lot from the Shire that inspired the Shire Movement. If he wants to explore the Shire movement itself, I'd love to help him choose some things.”

Kili: *forgets his own name, and to mention that his uncle is, in fact, a Hobbit.*

Tauriel chooses to take a break when he’s there and they talk in the cafe/tea room, while he tells her all about Erebor and the best places to visit (practical application of a History degree in wooing for the win!). He even slips in, “...if you want, I could take you there sometime.” AND THAT’S HOW THEY END UP ON THEIR FIRST DATE.

It doesn’t really matter where they go or what they do, but maybe by their third date, she sees the “Fili + Kili + [Female Dwarf]” headline on the front page? Fili has been spending a lot of time with Her and that’s how Tauriel finds out that she’s been dating ‘The Spare’ and working in the Durin family bookstore. [“Well, of course. Do you think we do extensive background checks on all employees?” “I thought that was just an Erebor thing!” “We just thought you knew.”] She has….feelings about it?

At some point after Bilbo’s birthday and he gets the book from Kili, Bilbo does go to the store to have tea and a lovely conversation about Shire Lit. He really likes Tauriel. I imagine that this is after 1)Tauriel starts dating Kili 2)The mugging, where Tauriel saves Kili's dumb ass and 3)Tauriel finds out Kili is a royal. Otherwise, the Very Recognizable Consort coming by would be a dead giveaway. Tauriel is enchanted by Bilbo. An actual Hobbit who wants to talk to her about Shire lit? And is willing to engage her limited spoken Hobbit in a conversation? She might just need a minute and some tea to get over her squee. Bilbo starts coming by the shop more regularly, and tells thorin about the nice young lady at the shop who shares his interest in books. Thorin thinks it’s great that Bilbo has found a Lit Bro.

Thorin does not, however, make the connection between the young lady at the shop and the young lady Kili is dating. Dis will probably end up smacking him upside the head over this at some point.

\---------------------------------

We probably need a little more meat here, but at some point Thorin finds out that Kili and Tauriel have been dating and...

This is when Thorin decides to get angry at Kili for dating an ‘outsider.’ What does he know about her? Why is she dating him? How does she know he isn’t after something? Is he using protection? [“It’s not like that, Uncle!” “I was a young man once. I know what it’s like.”] That’s when he makes the, “You’ll never be as good a king as Thror,” comment and storms out.

Kili goes over to Tauriel’s house and gives the speech as to why he’s been working so hard and purchasing all of these law/history books. Snuggles and hugs and whispered of, “You know you’re not ‘The Spare’, darling.” Then pizza, then An Unexpected House Party. (There’s even some singing and dancing before Thorin and Dis arrive.) Thorin and Dis show up and Tauriel is in shock. It’s one thing if you’re hosting your boss and the head of the Royal Guard, and even Bilbo felt like Bilbo, and not King’s Consort, but it’s something else when the King and Princess of Erebor are sitting at your kitchen island, having emotional conversations with your boyfriend.

At some point, she hears things start to get loud again and Thorin talk about how Kili has been wasting all his time with Tauriel so she says, “You don’t know how hard he’s working! Kili has spent weeks researching how to change the line of succession.” Of course Thorin thinks that Kili did it for her, so they both screech, “NO!” And stumble over each other with “It’s not like that,” and “We’ve barely even kissed.” Dis, being the intelligent woman that she is, walks over, takes his face in her hands, and says, “My sweet boy, were you going to kill your uncle so that I could be queen?” Thorin is shocked because he’s never thought of anyone else as being king, even hypothetically. Kili says, “We all know you and Uncle will refuse to die, but when he abdicates at 150, you should get a turn too.” And they hug and it’s beautiful. Tauriel feels out of place until Dis hugs her too and says, “Well, little elf, I suppose you’re family now.”

During the Durin House Party, Fili turns on Lorde and thinks it's the funniest thing ever. He and Kili start with "I've never seen a diamond in the flesh...." Everyone groans and throw popcorn at him, BUT THEY KEEP GOING.

Bilbo: Have we moved on to Karaoke already?

They get to "And we'll never be royals" And everyone sings "ROYALS. "It don't run in our blood.”  
Dis: "Let me be your ruler, you can call me Queen Bee"

Tauriel: rolls eyes up to heaven

And the whole house looks to her at the end for "Let me live that fantasy"

They all stay her her house - after Dwalin makes a few calls to secure the area. Tauriel offers her bed and futon to Thorin and Dis respectively, but they decline, saying that, as children, they sometimes slept on the floor in front of the fire just because. Kili sneaks into her room in the middle of the night and they start kissing. She’s under the covers and he stays above them, but he kisses her deeply, trying to convey how happy he is that things worked out. Kili tilts her head back, strokes her tongue with his, and she melts under him. Things start to get heated, so Tauriel says, “Kili you need to leave. Your family will come looking for you.” Kili whispers, “I’m never leaving you.” The words hit her harder than she expected. Tauriel has always been on her own and the idea that someone will stay by her side is more touching than she wants to admit. They fall asleep together, until Fili jumps on the bed in the morning like the idiot that he is.

Legolas finally figures out where Tauriel is, because her picture shows up in a gossip mag. But...he doesn’t read those, he was just in a grocery store and it was there. Yeah. He doesn’t read Royalty Today. You read Royalty Today. Obviously Thranduil only reads business magazines and ones that he might show up in like: Business Week, Business in the Forest, or EQ (Elf Quarterly). He also never goes grocery shopping. He has people for that. So, Legolas immediately heads for Erebor (hello, Tauriel basically raised him [even if he is all grown up now]) and Thranduil vaguely wonders where Legolas might be about a week later. 

Tauriel left her cell phone behind when she left, so he can’t just text her. She hasn’t been checking her email. Used no credit cards or even her bank account (though she seems to have taken money with her.) Yes, she was trying to be difficult to track, but mostly she was trying to make a clean break with her past. (Wow. That final fight must have been a doozy. I feel like Thranduil sort of wrote her off.)

Okay, so Legolas is all stressed and arrives in Erebor. Maybe he gets some tea at The Nook to calm down? Because why not? That’s what she did, yeah?

*eyes connect across cafe to book area* *perhaps some swearing happens*

And Legolas is all: "Why'd you leave? Why did I have to find out you were here from trashy grocery tabloids?"

Tauriel’s all: “Wait. What? Tabloids?” And Kili, lurking nearby for reasons feels guilty, even though he hasn’t seen that one either.

Lego: YES! The headline read "Crown Prince finds a fiery fling.”

Tauriel: But I’m not dating the…

Kili: Ugh! Stupid tabloids can’t get anything right! Always causing problems!

Lego looks at him all *one eyebrow raised*  


*A wild Dori appears!* *He uses Let Me Introduce You To My Nephew Gimli. It was very effective.* *they have tea*

….should we end it there? They’re all one big, happy family? Everyone talked about their feelings. Thorin has accepted the relationship, and Tauriel finally has the future she always wanted?

*and everyone lived happily ever after...but especially Tauriel*

\---------------------------------

**Montage ending…**

Tauriel did eventually get her Ph.D. in Shire Lit, marry Kili (after he asked her about 23 times), and make the Nook the most kick ass website in the known world. 

Kili finally did get the council to change the rules of the line of succession, making his brother the Spare, until years later when Dis abdicated because she was too busy being awesome at something. This comes in handy, though, for when his grandaughter becomes the most beloved Monarch in 1,000 years. 

Fili does eventually become king, and does quite well at it, just as Bilbo said he would.

Bilbo and Thorin (after some...persuasion) retire to spend their Golden (and...frankly far more years than anyone expected) in the Shire. Tauriel visits them often.

Legolas and Gimli marry and start a very successful Middle Earth travel company, specializing in tours of hidden and awesome places. Bandits have learned to leave them be.

And Thranduil went on to be on many more magazine covers, even after that time his son brought his boyfriend home to meet him and took years off of his life.


End file.
